IFJM 2016 Wrap-up Post

April was such a fun month for me!

Fake author background:  I based my fake author, Lizzie, on an alternate personality of myself:  When I was 10, I wrote a letter to my "future self" and packed it away to be read when I was in my 20's.  In 1992, I wrote another letter to my "future self", which I read a few years ago.  I had been meaning to write another letter to my "future self", but I just hadn't gotten around to doing it.  

This was where Lizzie begins -- to reply back to "her" past "self".   At the end of the month, she DOES get around to writing that letter to her future "self" (which is something that I still need to do!) :-)     Since Lizzie will never be able to actually mail each of the letters to the past or the future, I had decided that each letter in the month would have to be to someone/something that Lizzie would not be able to mail it to: someone from the past, a ghost, someone who died, a stranger, a character from a book, a beloved pet chicken, etc.   This would also explain why Lizzie happened to have all of these letters, and why she used previously canceled postage stamps.

I thought it would be fun to intertwine her story with that of my fake author from 2010, Marie.  Marie was dealing with the loss of her twin sister, Zoë, who died in a fiery car crash in 2009.  The theme of "loss" was prevalent throughout the month and how Lizzie was (and was not) able to deal with it.   

The final letter's envelope is black -- which may (or may not!) be a clue as to how things end with Lizzie. 

Goals:  My goals for the month were to use materials that I had on hand and to try and spend some time working with different mediums and take note on what I liked and disliked.  I have a tendency to bounce around and never really explore a particular medium in depth.  My overall goal for the year is to change this tendency.

The "journal" was made from a large sketchbook that I had.  I cut out the pages to make both the envelopes, and the letters that are inside.  I also had a lot of vintage postage stamps that I had been wanting to use for a very long time -- so I was very excited about the thought of a month of mail art.  

The paper I used was not friendly to some mediums.  For the first letter I used a dip pen and fountain pen ink, and the ink bled and feathered.  Since the envelopes were made from the paper in the sketchbook, it wasn't intended for watercolor --but it did have some decent heft to it (no clue what weight it was).  I was able to use watercolor pencils and Stabilo Tones without much of a problem (no buckling) other than the fact that I could not re-work the paper or make any corrections due to the sizing issue. 

Hand's down, I can say that I really dislike using colored pencils.  I don't know if it has to do with the brand of pencils that I own (Derwent Coloursoft), that I don't know how to use them correctly, that they don't erase well, that they are not as opaque as I like...not sure.  But I really don't like them.

Interestingly, I didn't mind using the Col-Erase pencils to draw Wyatt Earp...

I also was not fond of my watercolor pencils this month.  They just seemed kind of pale, boring and "blah" to me.   I am fond of saturated colors and the transparency of watercolor doesn't always appeal to me. 

Not surprisingly, I liked using the Stabilo Tones (Stabilo Woody).  I like the saturation, the fun pops of color, and that they did NOT smudge on the paper!  Woo Hoo!!  LOVED that!!  (When I use them in my journals, they always smudge on the opposing page and it drives me nuts. )   I don't mind getting messy when I paint and I often use my fingers to smear things around; but, I cannot stand smudging on my paper where I do not want the smudging to be.  (I have this love/hate relationship with graphite as well).

Pigma Micron pens worked great on the paper.  I really like the look of pen and ink drawings (especially those crazy-detailed ones!) but I am quick and impatient by nature and find all that detail to be very tedious.


Future goal:
Based on my likes/dislikes, I hope to pick ONE medium and work exclusively with it for at least a month.   I am currently at a loss as to which one it will be.  Part of me wants to focus on colored pencils to see if I can discover some hidden love for them --- and another part of me wants to toss them in the trash and work with something else... 

(Roz -- I'd appreciate any thoughts you had on this dilemma!)

And I need to bind up Lizzie's Letters --- I will post a picture when I am done!

IFJM -- April 30, 2016

IFJM -- April 29, 2016

My darling Martinella,

How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
   ~Author Unknown

All my love,
Mommy

IFJM -- April 28, 2016

Father,

I remember that day at the soda fountain: me with my cherry phosphate, you with your lime.  You talked of sea air and the thrill of adventure: safari's in India, the pyramids of Egypt, cattle drives in Australia... "No place for a little girl", you said, as you walked out of the shop and out of my life. 

I would imagine you lying by a campfire beneath a star-filled desert sky -- wondering if you were thinking of me as I was thinking of you.  I kept a knapsack on my shelf with essentials (compass, map of the sky, Snicker's bars) hoping that one day you would return and we would set off on your next adventure together.  That day never came.

They tore down the little soda fountain about 10 years ago.  (A cafe was built in it's place.)  I go there sometimes with friends, searching the faces of all those who pass by -- hoping one day I will recognize your dark brown eyes.  

Love,
your little girl

IFJM -- April 27, 2016

Jean,

It's been 7 years since I've seen you and your blue Peugeot -- an instant when the lives of strangers became forever intertwined.   I have relived that day so many times in my mind, always hoping the end would change.  Sadly, it never does.    I keep thinking that if only we had stayed for one more cup of tea or if I had turned left instead of right, they would still be alive.

Some days I think it should have been me who died instead of a beloved sister in the prime of her life -- my baby with her life yet un-lived.   I aim my anger at you, the wet pavement, the broken stop light, the setting sun, that silly blue car...

They say time heals all wounds (only time will tell if this is true); but, my wounds still seem fresh and I wonder how long it will be until I can smile without feeling the guilt of being alive?

Lizzy  

IFJM - April 26, 2015

Dear Red Gnome,

I had been thinking of you today and figured I'd drop you a line, as you have been so quiet as of late.

Have there been any more attacks by the Goblins on Father Christmas's home?  You and N. P. Bear were so instrumental in helping to vanquish them several times before;  but, Goblins do have a way of sneaking about and rising up when they are least expected...

Father Christmas's visit last December was such a nice surprise for the boys (Thank you SO much for canceling that request for the pony!   Our neighborhood does not allow us to have farm animals).    I hope he has gotten over his cold and that he took my advice about rubbing Vicks on his feet.  (Strange, I know, but it really DOES work!)   Make sure that he wears the socks I knitted him and to get those drafty holes patched up at Cliff House -- I'd hate for him to have pneumonia this year.

Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love, Lizzy.

P.S. -- for Karhu:

(Images written in the Goblin Alphabet translate to: "Be a good bear and take care of Father!")

IFJM - April 25, 2016

Sweet little Mishka -- 

I was at the zoo today with the children and there you were: gangling legs, you could barely walk, yet you stood taller than I!

What were you thinking when you saw us all pointing as we gaped at you?  You stood leaning quietly against your mama as you took us all in...   I am beginning to wonder which side of the fence was truly on display?   (Perhaps it was us with our silly hats, bright colored shoes, climbing and jumping off benches, shrieking and running around!)

There was something about seeing you today that made me feel at peace knowing that while it does not appear so from our point of view, life truly is just a brief moment in time.  It is delicate and fragile and fleeting, yet could be magnificent if we let it be so.

You won't stay little for long, Mishka (not that 6' tall and 190# is very "little"...), and the next time we meet you will have become so noble that it will be hard to remember that not so long ago you were unsteady and uncertain as you made your way through the world.

Lizzy

IFJM - April 24, 2016

I thank you, dear Angel: for one whom I have never seen, never heard, never touched -- you have never left my side.  You have laughed with me at every joyous occasion, shared in each moment of triumph, felt the pain of every heartbreak, and collected every fallen tear.

What do you do with those tears, dear Angel?  Do you place them in the heavens as the twinkling of stars to help light my path through the darkest of nights?  Are they sprinkled as dew drops on the rose petals in my garden?  Or do they join the tears of others' -- forming oceans born from pain and sorrow?  

I love you, dear Angel, for always loving me.  No matter what webs I find myself tangled in or what deep holes I find that I have dug for myself, you are always there to lend me a hand with loving patience and loving guidance -- that only and angel could give.

Never leave me, dear Angel, for I cannot bear the thought of living my life without you and being all alone.

Lizzy

IFJM - April 23, 2016

Nana --

I thought you would like to know we used your wedding china today for a visit with the Bishop.  I kept thinking of how proud you would be to see it set there looking so beautiful.  (I'll bet you never thought one day a servant of God would dine upon it!)

I remember when I inherited it, passed down as a belated wedding gift from the late you to the new me.  I don't recall you ever using it when I was a child (perhaps you reserved it for only special occasions?). You kept it tucked away, hidden in the buffet all those years -- it, collecting no memories, only dust. 

Now here it sits in my china hutch, rarely used as well.  I am beginning to think that every day is special in its own way and I wonder if I shouldn't use it to build some memories upon? 

Much love,
LizzyBeth

IFJM - April 22, 2016

My dear sister,

I pray your birthday was full of happiness and sunshine.

I kept looking for a break in the clouds today  -- a beam of light from the heavens to let me know you were there; but, sadly, this did not happen.  My tears for you mingled with the rain.  

It is still difficult for me to smile: the weight of the past rests so heavily upon my shoulders.  Your face lies before me when I close my eyes to sleep -- the screams from that day still echo in my mind.  Five months you slept before your eternal rest.  Five months of praying, wishing, and hoping...
The scars I bear on my body do not compare to those on my heart.  my soul.  my life.

Is Martinella with you?  Oh, how I longed to have held her close to comfort her when her tiny heart ceased to beat.  I still have the Baptismal gown we bought that day -- spotless, despite the crash.  I keep it in the memory box you made me.  

When will this winter in my soul turn to spring?  I miss the joy and laughter that once resided there.  Some days I think I see a tiny shimmer of hope; but then it dissipates and I wonder if it was really there at all... 

Kiss my darling angel for me.

All my love,
Lizzy

IFJM - April 21, 2016

Mr Moon:

If I could snatch a star from above,
and place it in my hair;
moon beams of light wrapped 'round my waist,
a sash that I would wear.

Black velvet sky with shadows blue
would fit to be my gown;
The brightest gem from the Milky Way
I'd set upon my crown.

I'd be a Queen, and you the King.
We'd rule the galaxy!
You'd be my Aldebaran, and
I'd be your Antares.

But looking down on the Earth so small,
your tears of flame would spark;
a shooting star (they'd see below)
to melt my icy heart.

Aquila would fly, Leo would roar;
A regal star Crusade. 
We'd join together, you and I,
to chase Orion away.

But you are there, and I am here;
miles between divide.
Light stretching forth from years ago,
To reach my heart that died.

-- Lizzy

IFJM - April 20, 2016

Dear Mama Robin,

You're back!!  All winter long I wondered if I would see you again, after what happened last year.

The boys and I were so excited to learn of your nest outside the bedroom window.  Several times a day we would check on you and your young ones -- and we were delighted to watch your babies take their first flight out of the next that late May afternoon.  So you can imagine how happy we were to see you return last autumn for your second batch of hatchlings.  The last time we saw you, you went off to find food for your new babies -- then you never returned!

I worried all night about them (the storms were terrible) --  but still, you were nowhere to be seen.  I don't know what became of those babies -- and it broke my heart to think of it.  

But that is all in the past and I shall pray you have many health babies this year and that your period of mourning is behind you.

If I could make a single song

As lovely and as full of light,

As hushed and brief as a falling star

On a winter night.

-- Sarah Teasdale

Love Lizzy

IFJM - April 19, 2016

Daisy,

I don't know what to say!  Your betrayal to your fellow Agents has come as a surprise to me as well!  We all love you and trusted you -- Agent Coulson thinks of you like a daughter!

"Hive" is evil and has manipulated you into thinking things you would never think; feel things you would never feel.  he is like a drug pumping through your veins, and the most tragic part is that you (falsely) believe that you want what he wants.

You told Coulson that someone on the team was going to die and, due to your recent behavior, I fear that someone will die at your expense.  

Believe me when I tell you to stop now before it is too late!  If a loved one dies and you can't save them, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

My sister died and I was responsible.  Not a day goes by that I do not think of her, hear her laugh, see her smile...

Save your loved ones.  Save yourself.

Lizzy Smit

IFJM - April 18, 2016

Dear ToothFairy --

I hope you come to visit tonight, as one of my boys has lost another tooth -- again!
Thankfully, this tooth wasn't lost tragically like the last (and his brother still feels quite guilty about the whole ordeal...).

My babies are growing up!  It won't be long before you visit us for the final time.  I am not sure what you actually do with all those teeth  -- or where you get all your money (I won't judge) -- but I was hoping you might leave their last baby tooth behind for me to treasure and put in their baby books.  

Just think about it, ok?

Lizzy

P.S. -- Don't take any offense when I tell you that I hope I will never see you around here after their last (Baby!) tooth has come out. 

IFJM - April 17, 2016

ALONE

I am alone, in spite of love,
In spite of all I take and give --
In spite of all your tenderness,
Sometimes I am not glad to live.

I am alone, as though I stood
On the highest peak of the tired gray world,
About me only swirling snow,
Above me, endless space unfurled;

With earth hidden and heaven hidden,
And only my own spirit's pride
To keep me from the peace of those
Who are not lonely, having died.

--- Sarah Teasdale

IFJM - April 16, 2016

Dear  Cheryl,

Was reminded of you today when I was enjoying the beautiful Magnolia tree blossoms -- springtime always reminds me of you.  

Although our acquaintanceship was brief, its impact has had a profound effect on me.  Of all the ill and dying patients I have seen throughout the years, none have equaled you in cheerfulness, courage, and grace.

Despite all your pain and suffering, you never once complained and you always held your head high -- even when your life was visibly draining from your cancer-stricken body.  

I always wondered where your strength came from -- what was your source of peace, despite all the troubles that afflicted you?  I never was able to ask you this, as you quietly passed away before I had the chance.

Give me the strength I need to get through these troubled days and perhaps one day I, too, will be filled with that Peace.

Fondly,

Dr. Liz

IFJM - April 15, 2016

Dear Jane,

I write this letter in great haste, as I am afraid what I will find that has become of you as I continue to Chapter 35.  

Please pardon my bluntness when I beg of you to RUN, Jane, RUN!  Get as far away from St. John and Moore House as you can!  His heart is of ice and he is manipulating and twisting words to guilt you into betraying what your soul understands so clearly:  HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!

Do not loose heart, dear Jane, as not all men are scoundrels and others of that ilk.  [I have it on good authority there is a gentleman who goes by the name of Mr. Knightely, who is both kind, gentle, and most highly respected by all those who meet and know him.  His residence is about a mile from Highbury -- which I should think is quite close to you!]

Stay true to yourself, Jane, and trust there is a man out there who will love you with a love you deserve.  Do not settle!  (Perhaps I should introduce you to my friend, Elizabeth Bennet?)

Regards,
Lizzy Smit

P.S. -- Stay away from Mr. Rochester and trouble your heart no longer about him.  He has no respect for you and will only keep you in chains.

IFJM - April 14, 2016

Mom --

I hope this letter finds you doing well.  I am sorry I didn't get a chance to visit you last week.  I was unable to get time off from work.  I hope I will get to see you next week. 

Nurse Annette said you seemed to recognize my face when I saw you the last time -- I really couldn't tell.  

I miss you, Mom.  I miss talking with you and sharing my life with you.  We had grown so close and I feel great sadness to have that taken from me.  Do you remember me, how I remember you -- or do you have patches of emptiness where their memories once lay?

Chloé told me I looked like you did when you were my age (she is the only one who talks with me now -- remember?)  If so, does that confuse you when I come to visit you -- as if I had somehow stolen your face?

The boys are getting bigger (10 years old now!) and school is almost over for the year.  We don't have any summer plans for vacation (haven't had a vacation since they were 3 years old...).  So I will try and bring them for a visit so they can at least have some sort of memory of their grandmother, even if she won't have any of them.

I know it is easy for me to think of your Alzheimer's as a curse for you, but perhaps it is some sort of blessing in disguise.  You no longer retain any memories of pain or loss and are set free of the baggage you otherwise would have carried.  Every day would be fresh and new and full of wonder -- The life of an innocent child...

I love you.

Your Lizzy

IFJM - April 13, 2016

Hello Bobby!

I found the pipe-cleaner clown you made for your 5th Birthday party.  It was buried in a box of childhood things (don't worry, it wasn't crushed too bad!).  I haven't seen you since we moved away that autumn, but I still fondly remember the sunny little boy with the chocolate brown eyes who was my best friend!  :-)

Where has life taken you -- what paths did you travel?  Did you become the astronaut you had dreamed you would be?  (I did become the doctor I thought I would!)

I am sad to tell you the little twin Zoë (the one you were most fond of) died about seven years ago in Paris.  She was training to be an artist and was living with Marie at the time.   You would have liked Zoë -- she had your sunny disposition and delightful imagination.

Oh, my dear friend, how I miss those simple days of childhood -- chasing fireflies at dusk, peanut butter and Kool-Aid lunches, riding bikes until the street lights came on ... our only care in the world was having to go inside and brush our teeth!

(Would we even recognize each other now if we passed on the street?)

Your old friend,
"Dizzy"!

p.s.  To this day, I cannot bear the taste of Flinstone Chewable Vitamins!  I am sorry I thought it would be a great idea to eat the entire bottle...

IFJM - April 12, 2016

Dear Jessica --

Thinking of you, as I always do, when I drive over the bridge where you jumped.  I can vividly remember that February morning and it makes me sad to think of you lying in your icy grave.

I often wonder why you did it: what made you become so desolate that the only way out was to end it all?

I can understand what it is like to be drowning in darkness -- no light visible -- no hope.  All the bright colors in the world never managing to seep to the inside to displace all the black...

I hope it is eternally Springtime for you now --

Lizzy

IFJM - April 11, 2016

Under drawing with pen

Colored in with Stabilo Tones

My dear Gemma,

Please accept my apologies for the way I have neglected our friendship these past few years.  I have no valid excuses, you know, and the truth is I should never have let this distance come between us.
How is it that two individuals, once so close, can suddenly become as strangers?

You are aware of the struggles I have been dealing with -- the cross I am meant to carry.  It is overwhelming and so many times I feel I can bear its heavy burden no longer.

I try not to look back on the way things were before -- when I was blissfully unaware of the tragedy and heartbreak that awaited me -- but I find it difficult to restrain myself, as memories of the past come forth to haunt me.

Pleas send me your good angel -- I need his loving guidance -- and don't forget to pray for your poor

Lizzy

IFJM - April 10, 2016

Emma --

Were you real -- or just a dream?  I thought I saw you there on the edge of the pier that night -- wet hair plastered to your face, long tattered dress clinging about your ankles.  You looked as if you were trying to tell me something, but when I drew near you seemed to vanish into the night's mist.

Folks said your name was "Emma" and you were known to wander those parts.  The next day I found your gravestone in the desolate cemetery -- barely legible due to the effects of time:

Emma Davis

1880-1912

"The wind that gave me my first breath also received my last sigh"

My mind often drifts back to the pier and that brief encounter.  Why is your soul not at rest?  What were you searching for -- lost so many years ago?

Lizzy Smit

IFJM - April 9, 2016

Dear Aunt Carm,

I was at the grocery store today and the checkout lady reminded me of you!

It has been many years since I heard your voice calling me (and everyone else!) "honey", but it is so clear in my memory.

I miss those safe and secure years from my childhood -- washing vegetables at the family farm, chasing the swans by your pond, lying on top of the old blue bus while eating green apples off the tree... You were always there for me to patch up my scraped knees and to give me advice when troubled times came.  How I could use your sage advice now.

You used to tell me life was too short to hold on to pain and bitterness.  I am trying hard to just let it all go, but I fail miserably in my endeavors.  Life seems painfully long from my point of view; but,  I know that in an instant a candle  (that once flamed so bright) can be extinguished.  I shall try to not loose hope.

With love,
Lizzy